I have lived much of my life in cycles of high achievement and burnout. It’s such a common theme that when I changed my name in 2018, I chose the moniker of a bird that literally bursts into flames and starts over. At times, this pattern has deeply worried me. I know it has negative impacts on my health, it certainly harms my relationships, and it has frequently left me without an income to survive. On the other hand, as I wrote in my journal eleven years ago while in a particularly energetic phase of this cycle — the highs are worth the lows. It’s hard to imagine my life without those exciting periods even if it’s possible to fully break this cycle and so I’ve been working to figure out strategies to deal with this tendency and mitigate the damage.
One of the first things I did to start breaking this cycle was make a list of every sign I could think of that a burnout period was approaching. Most of them are common to most people who are chronically stressed out: changes in eating and sleeping patterns, using substances to cope, having nightmares, experiencing unexplained pain, isolating myself from other people, losing track of my responsibilities. Some are less common, like hallucinations, seeking novelty, or specific phrases I tend to use. Once I made my list, I shared it with everyone close to me and asked them to confront me if they started seeing me do these things again.
And oh my god do I ever hate it when they do exactly what I asked them to do. I don’t want it to be true and that’s why I need their help to recognize what’s happening. Often I need multiple people to point it out multiple times because I’m not ready to hear it. Until finally, I accept that they’re right and I need to make some changes. That’s where I’m at right now. Thankfully, this is probably the earliest I’ve ever been able to accept it and so I’m hopeful that I can use the toolbox I’ve built over the past twenty five years to deploy a metaphorical parachute before I hit the ground this time.
Friction Points
I started with identifying and removing friction points — things that cause daily stress and take up bandwidth I don’t have. First was replacing my phone that dies four times a day and only charges if the cable is supported at exactly the right angle with a refurbished one that actually works. I’d been waiting ten months for a replacement battery to come in stock and this was taking up so much of my mental energy. Next, I got a small used kitchen table. I didn’t have anywhere to sit comfortably and work on my computer or write or make art. This barrier to doing the creative things I wanted to be doing meant that I was often ending up laying on my couch and scrolling. My next friction point is figuring out food — I tend to severely under eat as I go into the burnout phase, which makes it so much worse than it needs to be. For now, I’m relying a lot on smoothies and pasta but I need to stock up on things that are easy to make and easy to eat when I’m feeling particularly food averse.
Simple Routines
Another critical strategy I’m focusing on right now is restoring and rebuilding simple routines. These are things that create touchstones in my day or my week because burnout tends to make me, like Kurt Vonnegut’s Billy Pilgrim, “unstuck in time”. I need to be careful not to add too many at once else I risk collapsing the whole structure, so I’m aiming for one or two per week. Many people look at me like I’m definitely losing it when I tell them that a foundational part of my mental health is taking one minute cold showers as soon as I wake up in the morning and right before I go to bed at night. It could probably be replaced by any number of activities to mark those transitions, and tell my brain to shift modes, but this one works for me. I started making myself do it again last week and I can already feel the difference in how I’m sleeping.
I’m trying a new routine this time, borrowing my housemate’s dog to go for a walk every evening. She’s a very anxious creature who needs the exercise and it only took a few days before she figured out that we were doing this and now she pushes me to get ready to go out. Having a built in reminder system in the form of a dog who looks very sad if I don’t do the thing is very helpful.
Like in removing friction points, my next simple routine is figuring out food. Now that I have a kitchen table, my plan is to start eating breakfast at the table before I have any screen time. That’s probably going to take a bit to start working, but it has helped a lot in the past.
Journaling
When I start to feel burnout, my energy gets a little chaotic. I am full of ideas for new projects and often convinced that one of them is the cure for what ails me. In the past, I’ve ended up taking on big new responsibilities at work, telling everyone that I’m writing a book, or starting a new community project right when I’m on the edge of having a breakdown. As you might imagine, this makes getting back out of it again much harder because I’m riddled with a whole bunch of extra guilt for dropping these projects. In recent years, I’ve developed a policy for dealing with this phase — I write down all of my ideas in as much detail as I want and dream big about them but I am absolutely not allowed to start anything new in this phase. When I’m more stable and things are less overwhelming, then I can pull out my journal and figure out which ideas were actually useful and which ones were just desperation to feel something.
Noticing
I will be mad forever that mindfulness and meditation are so incredibly effective. I talk about this a lot because the most consistent pattern in my life is that when I take time to be mindfully present on a daily basis, I am so much more able to be alive. When I stop doing it, I decline into depression and anxiety and unease. Usually I stop because I’m busy and I feel good, so I feel like I don’t need it. What a trap that is to find myself in over and over again. I’ve started up my bedtime meditations again first and am working to more actively notice the details of the world around me.
I’ll Be Okay
I’ve been here before and I know I’ll be here again. I am hopeful this time that I’ll get through it without any significant damage. I have a plan to keep up with a reduced level of expectations for myself and I’m practising asking for help. I’ll be okay.
And so will you.
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